It is probably 50 days before my next birthday. Maybe I will go to Vegas or L.A. this time. I will turn 75 which frankly is bothering me. To be 3/4's a century old is mind boggling to me. When I was a kid, I wanted to live to 100 but not so any longer. I don't want to live past much in my 90's and if I should die sooner I will not mind one bit. I cannot imagine being unable to drive a car, to be in a home of some kind, and to be in what a classmate of mind called the waiting room for God. As I age I think totally different each and every day.
One thing changed my life and my attitude about death and rebirth forever is when I was able to go back into times past to learn of my identity then. Not only was it a surprise to me but a blessing as well. I was able to actually learn of feelings and thoughts then, so that I realized our so called lives are truly forever, eternal, or non ending...The ease to which we can open those doors is not something that I care to discuss as I have no definite formula for that except to believe in the adage, Seek and ye shall find, Knock and it shall be opened. For each individual, I am sure it is dependent upon that person's character and personalty. I don't try to advise except to know that in my case, it had an impact on me in a way that made me a believer.
How can one not believe in one's own experiences? I accepted it, but am also aware of all the arguments about it.
I will admit to the fact that this life in which I find myself now is a bit like coasting through life. It has not been one of extreme hardships or battles. It has been a relatively easy and passive lifestyle. I have endured emotional and personal problems early in life that did affect the rest of my life. I was a victim of child abuse, both sexual and emotional, and it took me many long years to overcome my fears and hopes regarding intimacy and romance. I stayed virginal and chaste long enough but eventually had a romantic affair that was very happy for a "first time" experience in deep love affairs. Being so young and restless, I did not want to marry this man despite my being "in love" with him, but it took me many years to value that relationship for what it had been. He was an encounter but a long lasting memory...someone I can never forget.
Now after learning of past lifetimes, one wonders at who many of these men of my past may have been in previous lifetimes. Are they someone who I had known and loved in a previous life? I cannot honestly say as I went through several romances early in my twenties, each as serious as the previous, even though different. None ended in a long term permanency which I rather doubt now is ever possible for anyone if they ever think about it.
But memories always remain, and the intensity of the relationship when recalled is exactly as it had happened. That is why learning of past lifetimes is so interesting. I had had many loving relationships in the past that were seriously important to me then. When reliving those past lifetimes, the people with whom I was "in love" are just as real to me today as they had been then. Yet, today I do not know if anyone in this present lifetime is someone I can definitely say is a person of the past then so that we encountered one another again in the present. There are some few people who I have had the good luck to learn of their identity then and now but very few. I think that there is a reason for that, depending upon the relationship. Those persons have the right to their own personal privacy too. Just because you have been loved or have loved someone does not give you the right to violate their privacy. I found that the only feelings or thoughts that I experienced were of the person in whose soul I was inhabiting. Giants on the stage of life but within myself just simply me. Interesting, isn't it, to realize that...
I had to deal with the magnitude of the past, realizing that today I do not have that kind of fame or distinction for which frankly I am very grateful. I consider this lifetime a bit of a recess in comparison to the previous lifetimes. I have valued being a woman with few responsibilities more than you can ever know once I learned of the terror and might of the previous times.
I have learned of my own spiritual powers many years ago so that i am careful with how I use them, and how I ever acknowledge or share them with others. Frankly, I do not want anyone to know all that I am capable of spiritually. I have fought the limelight for years as I had learned early in my teaching career that my students and I were so called models upon which television entertainment based many stories. Room 222 and Welcome Back Kotter being the obvious, but there were many more...so much so that in Hollywood it is known as a one horse town...for those in the know that is the simple truth.
But I don't want to go into that again here today. Today I am thinking of 2014 in which I will turn 75, and wonder at how and why time passed so quickly. Will I take that course to use Scrivener's properly? Maybe? Will I get to Greece this next year? I want to see the battlefield of Chaeronea since I have decided to enlarge upon it in my story on Alexander. Will I finally publish my book on ATG? Most likely....it changes format and presentation all the time.
Will I stick with book writing and publishing after I get one book published? I have no idea.
I have to get that first book done before I can decide.
So 2014 has me thinking to travel, weight loss plans, and a get riddance program of cleaning out all the past from my closets now...I tend to be a keeper too much but in the end I am glad that I am. However, that is because I still have mental and physical capabilities to enjoy it. I hope that I have a good year in 2014 so that this time next year facing 76 I will be singing a different tune. We will see.
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