Now you see it, now you don't

I just deleted my story on The Secret Life of Walter Mitty...If you caught it, I would be in shock...I decided not to let it go as I just wrote it.

I did drive to Tempe to go to $2.00 Tuesday special, bought popcorn, coke, and even some whopper malted milk balls to nibble on while watching movie...It was mostly gone by the time the movie began as I got there a half hour early and had to sit and wait for the movie to start.

It begins with Mitty talking to a dating service after we watch him try to Wink at a girl he wants to date and get to know...she works at the Life Magazine office where he works and he had heard her talking so he has taken an interest in her.  Mitty is guilty of constant daydreaming which everyone around him calls "zonking out".  or Zoning out, whatever....

Despite sick people on the internet who do evil things by lying about each one of us, in this case we actually get to meet one of the jerks in the world of dating at Harmony who does end up not only talking to Mitty on the phone but bailing him out when necessary in person...there are really true live people inside the internet, sad to say, since most seem to be intent upon lying and deceiving each and every one of us about each other.

This guy does turn out to be a bit of a nerd but a nice nerd too.

I am not one of those people who will use internet dating services at all.  But in this movie, which of course, is as full of bullshit as is Mitty's daydreams, it works for the writers and producers.

With this fantasy of a story we see Mitty changed by his relationship to the girl he fantasizes so much and so he embarks upon heroic deeds so ridiculous that he gets many hits on his dating service at last.  His life has been a bit of a blank so far but at last his pages are filled with non end adventuresome stories that make Anthony Bourdain and others like him look tame...After all, that is what makes CNN and Travel Channels operate, pure fantasy crap like this whether it comes from fantastic dishes to eat or travels to make...


In this case, he reaches young kids every where with a skateboarding stunt that is worth watching the silly movie all the way through...His long search to retrieve a missing negative takes him to the top of Afghanistan where a picture of a sunset impacted me in its lookalike appearance to a watermark made on a paper towel when I was having my own unusual experience with water appearing on the floor of my kitchen...so I could see a match there...am wondering about all of that now as a result too.

Life Magazine does have its last issue. Now I wonder what the real front page cover is after seeing this one...it is part of the mystery of the movie so will not give it away here...

I have a few old Life magazines that I kept as collectibles...still in a state of preservation...don't know who would want them now...but maybe somebody would...

Made me think of me and Elvis Presley also...long story on that but I won't dwell on it yet...

Just went to the movie to get a break from problems ongoing...internet story about hostile cat is being overplayed in my opinion...


But my particular cat problem still rears its ugly head in my hand so I exercise my fingers by typing a lot...it does help...but hand is still too stiff to let go of memory...

I do recommend the movie as well as the short story by James Thurber.  Everyone should read the short story which I taught to sophomores at Cortez High School in the early 1960's.  62 and 63 to be exact...I still have that textbook I believe...

Enjoy...turn off your cell phones in movies please...don't want you to get shot by someone who believes in obeying the rules!

Hemingway and Suicide

I was thinking the other morning while taking my shower that probably most suicides are not as crazy as people try to make them out to be.    I could understand well why a man such as Hemingway just up and one day took a shotgun out to end his life.  It was a decision that he made...One always wonders why it is that successful people seem never to enjoy their successes but instead often times seem to end in tragedy.  It is only a tragedy to the living who have to bear the grief of it, but to the person who ended his life, it may be a decision for which when at the end of his life and already into the next stage, may find relief and even joy for all we know...None of us who still remain in the flesh can or should try to rationalize the end of another just simply because we do not understand it.

I am at that age where I do full well understand why it is that to end one's life is a decision, not a state  of depressions, but a recognition that life is taking a different turn in the road to where many of life's endless surprises will no longer satisfy or fulfill the mind or the soul of the particular individual.

Now it is likely that I have come to this decision only because I have examined past lifetimes of notable personalties whether they be that of merely a unique ability on my part to come to invade their private lives for some divine reason or because perhaps it is a case of rebirth and memory...one can only speculate, and one can choose to believe whatever it is that one wants to satisfy the novelty of such an experience.  But because of it I am convinced that life is eternal, that souls are fixed in time and place for such a one as I to know of a soul in times past...As a result, I am fairly confident that future lives are there for any and all of us whether we know it or like it or not...so death is not quite the fearsome thing or the most hopeful thing that most of us anticipate it to be.

I am not suicidal in any way. I do see that the day will come when I will no longer inhabit this piece of flesh on earth.  I have not yet made my end ready because I still have to make plans on how to finish my days, make out a will, and to make out plans for burial...I have done none of those things always believing I suppose that I still have time. I do not have that much time left so I will be tending to those things asap...when I can and do make the time to do it.

I am even putting off going to social security office but I will wend my way over there today to see when I can get in to see someone about my problem...so it will get done before the day is done I am thinking.

I can't get anyone on the phone to answer so I guess I will have to see if anyone there can help me at all.

I guess I got off the topic of Hemingway and his suicide, didn't I?

He was a celebrated man, had seen war, had known experiences that enriched people's lives when he wrote about them, but for some reason, at the end of his life, he decided to make his final chapter one of a simple act, pulling the trigger on himself.  He went out with a bang...maybe he was overly dramatic, but he at least caught the world's attention, and left in spectacular fashion.  For a journalist, I imagine that says a lot.

It is a decision he made.  He knew what he was doing.  He made his final statement...People ever since draw their own conclusions...None of which are probably ever going to be right.

I maintain that a rational, sane person can make that same choice simply because he decides he has had enough.  He didn't let someone else do it for him or to him. He did it himself.  It was his choice to make.

For many that proves that success is not always the most important thing in life. One cannot live on one's laurels.  One should always go out on top is a belief held by many.  Maybe Hemingway did not want to descend into the abyss of oblivion and the lot of a has been. One can never know.  He just simply was successful, and ended it all with a bullet.

Others since have tried and failed, and some have succeeded.  A woman yesterday tried to take her children and herself into the ocean in a desperate attempt to end her life.  She is under psychiatric care right now, suffering from desperation at such a young age.  What prompted her decision?  Did she think she would succeed in drowning her kids?  One wonders...

Each and every case is individual.  Life is never easy on anyone it turns out...We all have our burdens, our problems, our own particular woes...some of us share them, some of us don't.  But sooner or later we all feel them.

As I said I am not suicidal at this time in my life, but I do see that if I come to a point to where I would want my life to end, I would probably have the ability to do it without the aid of a doctor as so many have wanted in the past. I could do it to myself alone and without assistance. There are many ways to end one's life quietly, whether going out and catching pneumonia, taking pills, or using a device as a shotgun or pistol...the idea is terrible to so many but it is something that we must learn how to handle, and not make it to be that the person was always in a state of depression.  Most depressed people are not suicidal, just down and discouraged....Suicide is often an act of courage as a few do realize...it takes courage to end a life that was spent doing good to others and that was successful.  We must give Hemingway that much as he was probably of sound mind when he acted.

Les Beaux Frères - Serviette

Dreams

I woke up from a dream today which was strange to say the least but it did give me  a good idea about how to make a pizza pie...I seemed to be sitting at a table alone.  I looked down to see a plate in front of me with a pizza pie shaped like the state of  Washington in color, so maybe it could be cake, but it was Pizza in color...and then when I decided to tear part of it off to eat which seemed to be cut into the shape of counties, I put it into my mouth, and a host of people came up to sit down to eat with me..i  had a glass of water there, when suddenly other glasses of water appeared just like it so I pulled mine away from the girl who was to sit at my right..the water was clear but had specks of blue in it and the two glasses were alike so that I did not want mine mixed up with hers...all table utensils then showed up and I woke up....

I did think what a great idea to shape pizza in the outlines of states...that is a fun idea...easy for cakes but a pizza pie is an interesting idea...too bad it can't be done easily.

Then I opened my gmail to find a post from a friend with brilliant ideas...she had included one as a tip to keep bugs out of your water.   The tip is to use a cupcake liner as a means to protect the glass from getting bugs on it..place the liner upside down on top of the glass.....this particular picture had a cupcake liner with blue dots around it which made me think of my dream about glasses of water with blue specks in them...no bugs, huh?  Great to know that now.

So what can you say?  You are what  you eat...the state of Washington...in the dream the person asked where are you so that when I looked down I saw the state of Washington on the table...that makes me think too.  My thought had been of Yakima Washington where Horse Heaven is located...but then when I opened the gmail I thought of the bug free tip...strange the way dreams, gmail, and the mind works, isn't it?

My novel in the works continued

I was in a discussion about the lesson that coming to learn of times past and having the ability to find myself in the person of historical men of the past means to me.

First of all, once learned, it never leaves my consciousness or awareness.  It will always remain with me so long as I am able to recall these events.  I pursued them because I wanted to learn if reincarnation were true and who I would have been had I lived in the past at any time.  I had no idea who I would uncover but I had had my solar plexus lead me to books in the library that certainly helped to open the door to those times in the past...I truly enjoyed all that time that i spent there even though it meant putting myself to sleep to undergo the experience.

What a joy it had been for me to learn that indeed all that time in a person could be relived as I did find myself enjoying many vivid experiences, and then I was so happy to believe that I had really been that person in whose body I found myself, and I admit that it stills continues to make me happy to know that I have unearthed my own self.

But tonight on NBC hearing Sharkira refer to herself as an Alexander the Great I was suddenly alerted to how so many refer to people of the past with an ease and comfort revealing that they truly know nothing about that person at all or they would not be quite so quick to identify with that person.

Alexander was the most difficult of all the people who I have encountered to actually accept and eventually to like...He is a most difficult person to fathom but I have spent so many hours in him, trying to decide whether to admit that I had really been him in that time. He is overblown now in terms of all the stories about him and he is often misunderstood.  But I found that eventually I could admire and even like him but it took many times to finally realize that...He is a multifaceted personality.

Once on a gurney his animated personality while convalescing actually helped to lift me out of depression after I had moved from my family's home to an apartment.

I loved Louis XIV so much because he is a fun and enjoyable person to find myself in and I really have enjoyed my time in his life best of any...He knew how to be a great king and I admit that over and over.  While Alexander knew true determination, had an indomitable will, Louis knew how to relax and enjoy life in his court.  Alexander never even truly started a court, which is one of the many faults that one can pick with him...He had too much of a wanderlust and could never settle down in one place long enough to hold court.  No wonder that some of his men grew frustrated and angry with him.

Yet when I am in Alexander, I understand his need to fulfill his ambition which is to conquer the world to make it his own.  Some of his energy and his desires are still very strong within me even in this lifetime...

But Louis XIV did not have that wanderlust and was well contained but it came out of him with his building programs and even probably some of his wars...He too wanted to conquer and to be grand, but he was limited in territory on all that he could do.

However, the sweetest and nicest of the men whose lives I enjoyed is that of George Washington whose love and devotion to the American cause touches me more than any of the other attributes of the other warrior men.  His love for his men which was revealed to me in a farewell to his officers touched me and made me wake up crying...I learned who Colonel Knox is, and just as with Parmenio and Philotas I will not divulge that classmate female's name either.  But she is a woman today and a long time friend from elementary school throughout high school.

I do not repeatedly mention Julius Caesar or Genghis Khan...I had only a few moments where each of those personalities became known to me, and I did not pursue either to any great degree simply because I had learned that both Louis XIV and Alexander took so much time and energy...I need only a few moments to know that each of those other men have made their appearance to me as well. Often I felt like I was in a judgement period, learning each one of these men's souls and evaluating them...I felt like it is judgement day, and these men are parading through me...So I have many different ways of perceiving these events that actually occurred to me...it was at Caesar's Palace when Caesar's spirit welled up in me so that I walked for a long time as Caesar had walked and I was literally helpless to do anything about it but wait until it left me...I never understood that or why it happened at all. I have wondered if their souls or spirits did not just empty themselves into me...I just know that I experienced that and have learned that it can control you in a way that could be a problem as I could not just make it go away...it had control of me and my walk.  I did see him in a trance situation at which time I saw his robe, his house on the Palatine Hill, and his most beautiful wife...he was in a chariot with a laurel crown on his head, but frowning and annoyed as the chariot was leaning to one side...he had problems and was angry but at a great distance away..I sometimes think he is trying to make himself known to me many times here in this apartment...

Through Genghis Khan I decided to stop any and all attempts to go back in time again...They do appear in spontaneous memories but Genghis Khan had a powerful impact on me, and through him and cromagnan man I learned the fear that they had suffered...one with a saber toothed tiger, and the other through war elephants...I never felt such fear as they had experienced.

Ironically, one of the things that I learned most of all is that lifetimes are often seemingly very similar to one another.  In all the men, I can find likenesses and similarities that easily tie them together, and surprisingly enough, even with a change in gender, despite none of us any longer being military, we are all sharing friendships and relationships that link to times past...I was surprised to learn that.

Why it is that I feel that my life today is equal to those of the past is because that it is in this life that I now live I have learned of all of these times when I had been a military officer and leader...it is this life that has relived those lives and now understands them and accepts them as I do.  I do refer to them in the third person and now discuss them just as other historians do without interjecting my belief that I had been them then but am now myself who is only bitterly complaining about the circumstances of my present life...



The thing I realize most of all is that I am only those people in a trance, and in a stage of sleep where I can be a part of that time period which is buried deep within me. Naturally, when I write of those times, I inadvertently unload things from within that I consciously do not know and am not even aware of...one of the reasons it is fun when I begin to write to see what it is that will come out when I open that door.  But I often close it up, being so afraid that I am misunderstood, or spied upon, or booed, hissed, and mocked.

But when I am awake today I am myself, all woman, with womanly fears, hopes, and dreams even at this old age...we still dream and hope...surprise that the aging process does not affect that very much.

I still have to struggle with my problems, pay my bills, clean my house, launder my clothes, and cook my meals...I don't have a maid to do it for me.  And that is where and why I am thinking about how I am going to manage as I get older and older.  Because it does get harder and harder...

But some things have changed for me now...some of my problems are few in comparison to others...but I still need friends, love, and understanding as does everyone...I am no different because I am who I am today...a woman whose knowledge of the past may strike fear in those who wonder what if she is really right and telling the truth....because why in the world would I be so stupid as to lie about anything such as what I am saying...I have been there. I know them.  And I believe that it is because God wanted me to know myself for myself...so be it.

My Novel in the works

I have been working on my Alexander novel for some time.  Let me explain how I feel about authoring and publishing.  One, publishers are into the game for one reason only and that is to make profits.  Exactly why and how a book can earn a lot of money is not easy to explain.  Each person has different tastes in reading and escapism.  Authors can pander to certain key groups to satisfy the lusts and desires of a group as one writer who made a personal appearance here in Tempe explained why she wrote specifically for gay men groups...She is making a small amount of change for writing books exploiting the lusts of men on men sex.

So I am sure that many writers are that controlled and engaged in writing what would be trash to me. I  would not even want to read one short story about the subject.  So what can I say?

My urge to write a story came about because of my ability to put myself into a trance and to go back into time and space into a totally different time period to live the life of one of the persons in that time period, and I eventually learned which person it is that I had been in that time period to have to read everything under the sun that I could find to know about that person.   I would have the experience before learning of the person so that I had to do some digging about to find all that I wanted to know to verify as the term is used that I had been that actual person.

Since all are famous and well known there is a lot to find about them so I was easy on myself having been privy to so many men's lives...

I am a female and all these people are men, and important and famous men yet to boot.

So naturally, it seems unbelievable to any but myself and I say, so what?  I know what I know so who gives a damn about those who are so pitiful as not to believe me when I say so.

As it turned out, I came to like many of these men who have inhabited my life somehow, and I finally decided that maybe I should write a novel about them.  At times, I think the really important novel is more about me than them to tell the truth. They are already studied enough both fictionally and nonfictionally that one more book is not going to really matter a whole heck of a lot. All books end up in dust piles anyway just as has all their bones.

So on that note, I am reconsidering the entire story...finding who Parmenio and Philotas are today made me realize how stupid it is to worry about ages past anyway and may be the very reason that many religious bodies tell not to create false idols, not to worry about the printed word, etc.so that none of us gets bogged down in futility.

There is a lesson in all of this somewhere and I am trying to realize it so that next post about this topic may elucidate on that better than this one can now. I have to get to the work at hand for the day so am closing these thoughts til later...

My reaction to a blog on Depression

I read the most enlightening description of depression today in a blog that Scott Oden shared on his Facebook page.  In it, the author describes his years of fighting depression in which he makes a great analogy to a bathtub experience that he has suffered.

It made me think of the time that I had a circulation problem when waking up from a sleep nap that I had taken at which time I was fully conscious but immobile due to the inability to move any of my limbs my legs and arms...finally after lying there realizing that I could not move but I could think I realized how I hated that state and made myself move my body to make my arm hold me up to rise from the bed...Getting my arm to move and my body up I was able to move one leg and then the other...i walked around, making certain all my body parts worked. I was scared as all get out about it and needed to talk to someone about it so I called my cousin who thought it sounded like a ministroke.  Eventually, I learned that it had not been a ministroke at all but poor circulation.  Ever since, I make certain that I try not to shut off the blood supply to any part of my body...but it was a horrible feeling at which time I knew I would rather be dead than in a state like that...soon after, the man whose wife was being kept alive by some artificial means demanded that she and her baby be let to die...for which I could thank him myself for being so loving to her.

I hope never to suffer a stroke of any kind. I take care of my heart and blood vessels as best I can. I try to stay healthy because it is only health that makes us enjoy the good life.

Family, faith, and friends influence our health both positively and negatively. I had had childhood illnesses, have had bouts with the flu, meniere's disease which has fortunately disappeared, and other health problems but none that have been life threatening, and all that were able to be cured pretty quickly.  I believe in mind over matter, which is essentially faith healing. I had the unique experience of having water appear from nowhere for a series of days in which I was reminded of the miracle waters of Lourdes, France so that i felt the water was there to cure me.  I consider God's appearance in the form of water on the floor...It did help to heal my hand which is still on the mend.  That mystery is still fully unexplained but proves that supernatural powers are around me and continue to manifest themselves from time to time. So long as they are of God they can come and go as God pleases.

Now for some help in the financial part of this experience.

I am facing bills and paperwork which will be met up this week. I have not had the emotional wherewithal or the mental capability of dealing with any of the paperwork that is involved in this problem.  But I will tackle this next and no doubt detail it here as well...just so that I make a record of my state of mind during this turmoil in my life.

All for now.