Ministroke

What a difference an hour can make.  I got up yesterday, was all excited about my veggie drink which was super good, and then went to take a nap around noon time.  I felt tired and wanted to rest. Whenever I get up too early in the morning, I usually have to take a nap later.  When I woke up later, I found I could not move my legs, or my arms. I was dysfunctioning.  I lay there thinking that I would not ever want to be in this state, wondering if it were like MD or MS, and thinking that I would rather be dead.  For some reason at the thought of dead I was able to move my arm so I pulled myself up, willing myself to move, and reached for my cane which is at the end of the bed, and pulled myself up, made my right leg move, and then my left leg, and I pulled myself out of bed. It was the most horrible sensation that I have ever known.

With that said, I think that the worst thing humanity can do to another human being is to let him lie in a coma, unable to move about at all, but only to lie still, knowing that the world is around you, but that you can do nothing at all but lie stationery.

I made contact with people, tried to call my brother first,  then by chance a friend called and she is someone who I trust enough to share my problem so I told her about it, and then later asked my neighbor to come hear me out, and finally I wrote my nephew to notify his brother that I will be trying to contact him this next week.

I am not going to reiterate everything that I said but I am a believer in faith healing, as I believe in the end the patient is who heals himself.  He can have aids, helps, and ingest fluids and medicines to help him, but generally speaking, most health is in the mind, is curable if one thinks the right thoughts. I was sure that I could heal myself and naturally prayed to God for help.  I believe in the power of prayer, but I also believe in the power of mind over matter.

So this morning my brother did call me, and we talked, and I listened to his advice, and I am going to do what I will do as I find the time to do it.

I just saw this movie where the woman who is the Saint says that to take a vow of poverty means to do it.  I believe that about the matters of faith...to believe is to be it and to do it.  So I believe that a kind of miracle happened to me.  I survived it. I learned a lesson from it. I want to live, and I know it.

I also am not afraid of death at all.  It just means the end of this earthly existence, but for some reason my time on earth is to be a long one, and I hope now to make the most of it, to do some of the things I have said I will do, and to accomplish all that I can while I can.

My first thought was about my book.  I had thought maybe I was going to die but now I think I will survive after all, and I can finish my book.  I could  not imagine all the time that I have put into this to just up and leave it all now.

I finally understood why David Letterman, Regis Philbin, and Larry King talked about their heart problems so much.  I know very well that life takes on a different meaning when one truly realizes that one could be on the last breath...It is easy to let go but upon thinking about it, I want to live as long as I can as well as I can.

And on that note, I will explain about why I think that at this age I should do the best for myself as I can even after and especially after seeing the Saint in the movie explain her attitude about poverty.

My sense of logic says that I am the one person who can take care of me as best I can.  I do not have a provider or a man to fall back upon. I have to take care of myself.  I want the best for myself in my senior years since I struggled and worked so hard when young. I was deprived of many things as a child and even as a young adult, not having been privy to the real purpose and plan of a happy marriage.  I took care of myself until I had to help take care of my parents who needed me. I now understand their need now that I have arrived at that place in my life.  So I believe the last years should at least be spent as carefree and as fully sensible and enjoyable as can be.  I think it is time that I spoil myself a bit.  I do not want to miss life's joys and splendors. I want to greet them. So  on that note, I will try to see as much of the world as I can while I can.  Hopefully, I can stay healthy enough to do it. I am trying at least to help myself.