Blunders

Oh, did I blunder and how?  Recently, I learned about the death of a friend.  I was very surprised to learn of the illness of this former friend and so I contacted her daughter who told me some news about herself and her family, and the cause of the death of her mother.  Without thinking, I blurted out on facebook the connection between the death of the woman and my sudden decision to go to Cortez to see my dad.

We all live in our own little worlds so much that we don't always think when we make statements.  I simple connected the two since because of Nelda's death I came to discuss with my friend from my high school years the need for us to see one another as soon as we can before either one of us should pass away.  Our class is dwindling fast.

I had forgotten that Sonja would be notified when her name is mentioned.  So I received a message from her today that her mother did believe that she would be going Home, to Heaven.  My grandmother always said that herself, that she wanted to go Home. I know that she did. I can testify to that myself. 

But my dad has never believed in Heaven.  We have in our family the belief that someone comes to greet you when you pass over.I have always wondered who will be there to greet him when he does, either his wife or his mother...maybe both, or maybe neither. I do not know how much real belief has to do with the facts.

In the end, I will say this much.  I have much to forgive about my dad. He has done me wrong so many times that if forgiveness alone were the quickest way into Heaven then he has certainly been the one to show me the quickest way home so long as I forgive and mean it.  Even yet to this day, I nurse grievances that he has caused me, and to be honest I don't always feel like forgiving. Just because people age, get old, and even more crotchedy does not mean that they can be forgiven just due to old age and approaching death.

But I did decide that if Diane meant it when she offered me money so that I could fly to Durango and then to Cortez I would accept it from her. It would give her happiness to help me, it would give me happiness to know that my dad would have one last and final chance to make his peace with me, and it would also give me a chance to find out what in the world is the matter with my brother for all his wrong doing to me and against me.

So I wrote a note to Sonja quickly explaining that I had been thoughtless to have said what I said.  I was just not thinking.  Nelda was close to me for a very long time and in a sense is still as close as when we had been in Azusa, whether they think so or not.  She had done a lot for me and we spent a lot of time together. Naturally, after one parts, things change. I do not know what she did after I left.

Since Sonja and I have not seen one another since the 70's, I doubt that she will be truly bothered about my faux pas.  But I explained.  The simple truth is that I was simply connecting the dots.  Young children become mature adults.  We all age and die. It is a part of the process.  I know that we go somewhere after death as I believe that we also come back to earth time again when and if necessary.  Of that I am totally convinced.

Life is not really all platitudes.  I get all kinds of stuff on facebook that tries to keep us thinking on love thoughts, positive thinking, Heaven, Love, and then there is some balance with some cynics who are aetheist and send out their diatribe as well. I had to finally eliminate that from my life since it was affecting me in a way I did not like.  I do believe in vibrations. I do believe that thoughts become realized and that it is best to say good things about people rather than harmful things.

All anyone has to do is to look at my blog and one can see that my soul has searched itself for identity and has come up with and produced answers for me. So Yes, I believe.  I also know that for the most part most people can't deal with it, much less with me.

I drove along the East Coast in my Honda with my pet yorkshire terrier, and I discovered the truth about the Eastern Seaboard. It is becoming gargantuan and grotesque. America is no longer America the Beautiful. It is America the grotesque and ugly.  People do not know how to take care of themselves.

At this stage in my life, I am one of the class failures.  All I did was to care for my parents in their old age, watch my dad suffer so badly he tried to take his own life, and then had to fend for myself the past years in a time when nobody really wants to hire the aged for any kind of jobs.  And for sure, I am smart enough to know that.  A saint I am not.  But I know more about God than most people could ever dream, and I often speak of it.  That is another aspect of me that most people cannot understand. I don't bother to try to explain.  Accept me as I am.  I will do my thing. You do yours. I hope I can get that $50 exacta this weekend. Come on horse world, let's do our stuff finally right.