I finally got the computer back to working, another $99 bucks to pay, but at least I have communication again, and I honestly missed my game playing which I do in the early morning and late evening.
I am using this blog as a bit of a diary still...long habits are not easily broken is a fact.
I had wanted to tie up all the loose ends about my belief in my memory sessions of the past so many years. So I created the blog to let those who have really cared about me have a chance to see some of the sketches as well as hear me out in one coherent piece instead of so many long drawn out posts at the time of the event itself.
I have learned many lessons from the past and one most important one was to stop judging myself in the past by today's standards. I am very self-critical, and instead of always approving everything that I ever did when in that piece of flesh, I often was hypercritical about it. One day I woke up. How can I today criticize something that another person who is someone I know now only through spiritual means by my conditioned and learned judgements of today. We live in two different worlds.
I was appalled by all the killing and slaughtering that Alexander had done. Yet I have gone around saying to every fly, bug, and insect that comes into my house or apartment I will kill you. And I do without a second thought. People in that respect are also from the air as small as flies when seen that distant away.
In times of when it is a case that if you don't kill the guy he will kill you, the most well trained and determined is the one who succeeds the best. Alexander certainly is known today only because he succeeded.
What puzzled me more than anything after I learned of him as I did, that whenever I spoke about it, some were so jealous and resentful. I had had no idea that Alexander had such a fan club, a mass murderer having fans is a bit more than I could ever understand.
But when I had my experiences, I became more than a fan...I had immersed myself into him and he and I became as one...I know him better than anyone can imagine, and I am not the least jealous of it since I know that it is a special privilege that only I could give myself. What I have always wondered since is how I would have felt then had I known I would find myself as I do in this time period now.
I have always liked the stories of Alexander about his defense of women..I am sure that that alone is one reason that I am woman now, and that is that I then had shown women so much respect and consideration.
A strange and funny thing happened at my class reunion. I had had a third grade schoolgirl crush on a boy in my class. After I had seen Roxanne all of a sudden I realized how her image reminded me of this boy named Jimmy and so when I was back in VW for our reunion, I found him there...there was true love all around us, and I said to him, do you feel it? and he said yes...then he told me about his wife, and I said, wonderful, goodbye and walked away, but the love was so wonderful, similar to one that I had experienced with former Governor Jerry Brown in Sacramento, California, and I was so happy and pleased. Love that is pure is free and has no jealousies or possessiveness. It is just heavenly love...Jimmy's eyes in a classroom picture had reminded me of Roxanne when I had seen her...I do not say that Jimmy was Roxanne...who is to know? but the love was there...and I am reminded of it now. Just a crush in third grade...but love regardless...what fun!
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